A few weeks ago during our zoom meeting something wonderful happened, a grandfather and grandmother who had lost contact with their grandson for several years attended ,but this time they were not alone, as I entered them in to the meeting I noticed that just behind them was a handsome young man, could he actually be who I thought it might be?
Indeed it was their grandson.
When you travel this journey of estrangement with grandparents you feel their grief and loss, to have a much loved grandson appear at one of our meetings was just wonderful, to witness the love between them all was truly magical and something I will never forget.
It was such a privilege to share their joy.
There wasn’t a dry eye on my computer screen.
They have all written in their own words, firstly the grandparents journey followed by their grandson’s words of his experience of being an estranged grandson.
Since the boy’s birth, Monty 2006, F 2008 and R 2009, we as grandparents had been a constant in their lives and were quite happy to do so. We had many happy hours of babysitting, sleep overs and later nursery visits as both parents were hard working.
Unfortunately, at the end of 2009 the parents split up, and our daughter and children came to live with us as we had the room and it made a more settling environment with close family including an aunt who lived with us, on hand. Their other grandparents still had regular contact as they were as concerned as we were. Despite the split the boy’s father remained in touch with the boys and us. After some 10 months our daughter found a house to rent into which we helped with the move and settling in. At this stage we were still well involved with the children. We ourselves moved house in 2011 still close at hand, indeed our new house had dedicated rooms for the boys. Things continued as before but now with, due to their growing up, more involvement with school and after school clubs. In 2013 our daughter bought her own house and activities carried on as normal. She was a hard-working nurse with quite a moveable timetable, so we were still very much involved even though we ourselves were still in full time employment. It was such a pleasure to see the 3 boys growing and happy. Our daughter had a few relationships during this time and met a new man in 2015 who moved in with them at the end of 2015. We saw less of her but contact with the boys remained the same.
Then quite out of the blue, our once kind, caring and popular daughter suddenly at the beginning of December 2016 decided she no longer wanted her mother in her or her children’s lives. This resulted in our daughter taking out a non-molestation on her mother, not to see her or go within 100 metres of their home. Bizarrely we still carried on with the boy’s as normal.
Then in September 2017 she moved to Wales and denied us and their father any access to the family. It was like a living bereavement, waking each day sick with worry. Any sign of asking for mediation was met with harassment orders. Indeed, we had 3 separate interviews from the police, who stated they could not say what the complaint against us was. In the meantime, the boy’s father had taken her to court for access to the boys which cost him several thousands of pounds over 3 years. We were sited many times during the family court being the cause of her problems. However, we were never allowed input into the family court which we found very traumatic and totally unjust.
We always sent cards and usually money for birthdays and Christmas but did not get any response. Then when Monty, our eldest grandson was 16, he contacted us and wanted to meet. It was as though we had seen him yesterday which was very brave of him but also naive in thinking it would help to heal things between us all. Unfortunately, this was not to be. It resulted in life being difficult for Monty and not long after his 17th birthday he reached out to us as his mother had asked him to leave.
He is now 20 years old and has been living with us very happily since. He said he had never forgotten about us and always wanted contact and could never understand the separation. It’s been marvellous seeing him develop into an impressive young man who is caring and understanding and willing to talk to others in his position. The other 2 boys have stated they still want no contact which we have to accept and respect but have told them we are here if ever they need us.
Peace at last and recognition of our situation, regret we lost so much of their childhood but so grateful we have wonderful memories.
Utter desolation, guilt, serious anxiety, isolation and remorse. Were all feelings the whole family experienced during our estrangement. Until we heard Jane Jackson speaking on the radio about grand parent groups, we thought we were the only family in this position, but unfortunately it is happening all the time and worldwide. We have found great solace with Jane and our own Worcester grandparents group run by Penny. It has helped us to understand we were never alone. There are thousands of families going through similar situations. We have found peace now but will never forget the benefit we found through contact with other grandparents.
Note: Ogo stands for O Great one, which the children have called me since birth. Monty’s first proper word was not daddy, as usual, but Ogo. It has stuck ever since.
We rarely have the opportunity to hear the words of the grandchildren, these words below, written by Monty, show the confusion and distress estrangement causes. Innocent children caught in an impossible situation.
When I was much younger, my grandparents were very involved with me and my brothers. We even lived with them for a while as my mother was struggling and we were so young and she needed the help.
Much of my childhood memories are filled with the days out and overnight stays with my grandparents, as well as being spoilt rotten by them of course. Me and my brothers used to do many of our afterschool and holiday activities with my grandparents as they were always at hand and were more than willing to spend time with us while my mother was busy.
Sometime in 2016 my mother decided to move us to Wales. leading up to this we weren’t told much of why we were moving but my mother told us that granny and ogo (my grandfather), weren’t very nice and we couldn’t see them again. As you might expect, this came as a shock but being a child, you trust what your mother tells you.
As the years went on in Wales, I became more aware of the court cases and understood what was happening, I began to see slip ups and inconsistencies with my mother’s story of what happened with my grandparents. Also, I was a teenager at this point, and I was a bit more unruly and prone to argue.
As more time went on my mother and stepfather got a divorce, this is where I started to notice my mother’s behaviour worsen and I began to miss my grandparents even more. My grandparents had always been on my mind here and there over the years but suddenly lacking a father figure and slowly losing my mother to what I can only assume was a deterioration in her mental health, I noticed their absence and missed them much more.
My mother over the next few years began to be more hostile to me, using the excuse that I remind her of my father. This drove an even bigger wedge between us and made me feel more isolated. Eventually I secretly got back in contact with my grandparents and gave them some small updates on what I was up to and how me and my brothers were.
My mother always envisioned that I would join the forces, so when I had finished my first year of 6th form, she forced me to join military college, this was not what I wanted in the slightest. When I was at the college signing the papers, I realised I didn’t have to do any of this and I just apologised and walked out.
Of course, me being 16, the college rang my mother and told her what I had done. While I was travelling home on the train, I didn’t have any reception on my phone so I wasn’t able to receive any messages until I got to Shrewsbury station where I would change over to the train to Welshpool. As I got off the train and waited, I felt my phone begin to vibrate with all the messages I had missed while I had no signal. I was about to step onto the train to Welshpool as I saw the message from my mother which read,
“I think it would be best if you didn’t come home”.
I stopped what I was doing and sat for a while on the platform in Shrewsbury, thinking of what to do next. I didn’t cry or worry. I had known something like this was going to happen eventually. In the end I rang my friend who lived in Shrewsbury. At the time he was in the car with his parents who I was very close to. I told them what had happened and they were there within 10 minutes. They comforted me and asked me how I was and what I was going to do now as they also knew how my mother was. It was a few hours after that I eventually called my grandparents after putting it off for a while, I didn’t want to stress them or worry them too much. I rang my grandad and he was there within 2 hours.
Once I got home, they showered me with love as if I hadn’t been away for 8 years. They brought me a whole new wardrobe of clothes and made sure I was loved and safe. Two years have passed now and I’m happier than I’ve ever been, I have a wonderful family, good friends and good job prospects and none of this would have happened without them.
I’m so grateful for them and not once whilst I was in Wales did I ever forgot them, and they never stopped loving me and I never stopped loving them.
I would like to thank R,J,P and of course Monty.
