When I was first estranged from our granddaughter, I went to feeling every possible emotion there is to feel.
It was and continues to be, the utter feeling of sadness that even now can threaten to engulf me, when I least expect it.
A sadness for everything that has been lost, not for me but for everyone involved, that piece of the jig-jaw, briefly found,only to have been lost again.
Eighteen years ago, I knew that I couldn’t live my life with so much sadness, I needed something to help me make a difference, but what?
The rest is history really, but I was reminded yesterday how history evolves.
A complete stranger rang my doorbell, she looked at the plaque that is on our wall, and she pointed to it and said, “Are you still Grandparents Support?”
I have not had that happen before, and of course it is exactly the reason I started along this extraordinary journey, of founding BGSG.
I have spoken previously about the process that became my therapy, I needed to turn this negative into a positive.
Change.
Of course I have learnt a great deal in those intervening years, and have I hope become more knowledgeable about estrangement in all its forms, I have learnt to change my mind and to change course.
Eighteen years ago it was all about Grandparents Rights, grandparents having the right to have contact with their grandchildren, groups and organisations that had already been set up, campaigned fiercely for those rights, some still do. I too started off with that mindset, but became aware that although organisations had been campaigning for many years, nothing had changed.
Something had to change, I had to think carefully of what BGSG was going to stand for moving forward.
My focus was always about how estrangement affects the children, and it is where my ‘campaign’ needed to go, to raise awareness of the emotional abuse on grandchildren when they are denied contact from safe. loving grandparents.
I dropped the phrase Grandparents Rights, and I try hard not to go back to that way of thinking.
Ego, what ego?
I learnt also that lots of people come out of the woodwork, people who offer false hope to vulnerable grieving grandparents, only to let them down.
I didn’t understand what ‘ego’ meant until I entered this toxic space, something I have been made aware of over the years, when someone says, it’s not about me, alarm bells start to ring!
Those of you who have been with me since the beginning will also know that there have been several really unpleasant periods, when people turn against you and are hell bent in discrediting you at every opportunity, those who will misinterpret things you say.
Many tears have been shed as a result.
There are many more positives in this story though and those other things need to be put where they deserve to be in the bin.
For anyone who is wondering what they can do, think about setting up a group in your area,there is no doubt that if you step out of your comfort zone, and support and help others, you forget about your own grief, you turn that darkness into something brighter and lighter.
Where now?
BGSG will always put the grandchildren first,we will continue to give grandparents help and support in any way we can when they need it.
Bringing those who are experiencing this ‘living bereavement’ together, via the helpline, zoom group support, in-person support group meetings, FB group pages, I know is powerful and does work.Those who say what is the point of getting together for tea and cake, I say, when grandparents turn and say the group has been a life saver, what more proof do you require.
Of course it isn’t for everyone, we all look for different things when we are going through difficult times.
Lastly, I am eternally grateful to all of the long term friendships that have developed and I look forward to the future.
