As you all know there are no magic wands, no answers to how or why an unjustified estrangement happens.
What is absolutely clear is the hurt and pain caused, to grandparents and grandchildren.
For grandchildren to be cut off from family members means that parts of their identity, their very being is erased.
From the prospective of the grandparents that I hear from on daily basis, the anguish felt is all encompassing.
Before we ever became grandparents we were parents first, I am sure we all tried our best, sometimes under very difficult circumstances both personally and financially, but it is what you do as a parent, once you are a parent it is never just about you anymore. You put your children first, in almost every decision you make.
Before we start to beat ourselves up, and blame ourselves for everything that may have gone wrong, remember it is OK, to be a good enough parent.
Many of you will have made enormous sacrifices for your children, be that supporting them financially as they grew up, putting them through Uni, helping them buying their first house etc. And we wouldn’t have it any other way I am sure.
Some parents focus on a specific hobby that a child my have. Putting them first and encouraging those hobbies, hobbies that become more than just a hobby, moving towards becoming a professional in their field. Thousands of pounds spent and countless hours of taking our children here there and everywhere to enable them to progress.
Even with all those sacrifices, something happens, and those children, now adults with children of their own, and that love and commitment given is rebuked.
Of course those adult children will have a different side to what went wrong, and it may be in some circumstances, their actions have been necessary.
When I say it is OK to be a good enough parent, actually the same applies being a grandparent.
No one tells us how to be a grandparent, anymore than we know how to be parents, it does take time and patience.
What we consider to be supportive, might feel overwhelming to the parent, may feel as though we are interfering, we have to remember to allow them to make the same mistakes in parenthood, just as we did.
All that being said, why is it necessary for the behaviour of adult children to inflict catastrophic hurt?
I was reading an article recently about cutting out ‘toxic’ members of your family. Gave me some food for thought.
Does your family make you feel insecure?
Are you constantly and repeatedly criticised?
They find ways to manipulate you.
They will make you feel bad about yourself, if you ever say, no, to them.
They show you affection inconsistently.
Are they there only in their difficult times?
It’s all about them and their problems.
Do you always have to be careful what you say around them?
If you find yourself always checking yourself before you say anything, incase they get upset or hurt, time to evaluate your relationship.
Do you feel happy being around them?
You don’t look forward to seeing them, in fact you dread it.
If you don’t feel happy around them then you must walk away, you don’t need to spend time with them or give them any explanation.
You can pick out any one of those statements and turn them around, as with any issues, communication is key.
If your adult child is unhappy with something you have done or said, it needs to be discussed to talk about how we can help to make it right.
The role of a grandparent quite simply is to be supportive to be there when asked, but communication has to be a two way dialogue, so if you just take that last statement, “you don’t need to give any explanation,” where is that communication?
