Each and every family is unique and all have their own family values.
I remember so well the annoyance of having to sit and write thank you letters to people after birthdays and Christmas, something I still do today, maybe not a letter might be an email or a call and I am no longer annoyed,it has become learnt behaviour. As I am older I realise that not only was that good ‘training’ for me on so many levels. I now know what it means to the recipient of our thank yous. ( Just to say what a pity we don’t actually write letters like we used do.)
Things like sending birthday cards was always important in my family, it seems it is not so important today.
These are a small example, of how we learn from our role models.
The same applies to our family values, how we recognise the importance of family.
As I have written many times before, my family are my life, I would do anything to help and support them, and to know they are all happy and safe is what gives me peace and a meaning to life.
When we are children we are influenced by the adults around us, so if we see and hear bad behaviour often we emulate those behaviours, it is our normal.
To live in a household where families argue constantly, shout abuse at each other and some are physically abusive, that is also normal.
Children don’t question that normal until they witness a different way.
A child who mixes with friends and their families will see that other families don’t live that way,that parents don’t say horrible things to each other,they don’t lash out and hurt one another, a new normal.
I can honestly say that although my parents divorced when I was in my teens, there was never a cross word between them, certainly not in front of me.
As a consequence, I hate confrontation of any sort and will avoid it at all costs, confrontation is not my normal.
In my family if there are issues, and of course there are at times, we talk about it, we sort it out and yes,often agree to disagree, respectfully.
Oh, there is that word that is not used enough, respect!
You probably wonder why on earth I am writing all this and what on earth has it got to do with estrangement?
Let’s just think about that for a moment.
As parents and grandparents, we learn on the job on a day by day process. We get to know one another from babies, we learn together from babies it is an unending journey of discovery.
We make mistakes but we hopefully learn from them.
So, if we have been separated for years, we haven’t been through that learning time,we have not got to know and understand one another.
It is more than possible that those we are estranged from do have totally different family values to ours, we have been absent from their lives for so long, they have not witnessed how we live, how we respect each other and how we communicate.
I am not saying one way is wrong and the other is right, but by the very nature of learnt behaviours it can cause difficulties.
The truth is that we have become strangers and as such have to start a brand new journey, but both parties need to want the same thing, to learn about each other to learn about what family means to us all.
Sadly, it may be that those differences in family values will not be able to be accepted and however hard we try the divide is just too deep to bridge.
We all want all of our families to be together to move forward in a positive way but it has to be reciprocated by everyone involved.
How do I become the grandparent I am supposed to be after so long? How do I become the Dad my child needs, when we don’t really know one another anymore? How do I become the Mum I want to be and my child wants me to be?
I don’t have the answers to those vital questions.
What I will say is that if the children are now adults, they also have their important part to play.
