At most grandparent support group meetings, be that face to face or via zoom the majority of people will be grandmothers, all too often grandads can get forgotten.
I want to make sure that we never forget grandads, grandads who are hurting just as much as grandmothers.
I think that it is accepted that women find it easier to share their feelings and emotions, and will openly seek out help and support.
Sometimes grandmothers will say to me that their husbands don’t understand how devastated they are over their estrangement and although that may be true with a few, I would say that husbands are only too aware of how devastated their wives are and they will try to be the stoical one and put on a brave face.
To be the protector.
I remember when Marc and I were doing an interview for the BBC, he suddenly broke down, something he had never done. The producer said that they could edit that bit out, but Marc said, ‘No, I want grandads to see that it is ok to show your distress at not seeing your grandchild.’
We do have grandads contacting us via out Helpline and we do have several grandads who attend our face to face meetings and our zoom meetings.
I would like to encourage any grandad who is going through this living bereavement to seek out help and support, asking for help is a sign of strength not weakness.
Maybe we, need to ask them if they are Ok?
I think men are often more solution-focused, whereas as women by talking about our feelings and concerns find it a relief, when men are faced with the problems of estrangement they suddenly realise that they can’t find an answer and it becomes about emotions, so they can appear to not be as affected as women, they try to brush it away.
It takes time and patience, to encourage our menfolk to acknowledge their feelings. It is one thing to acknowledge those feelings to themselves but much harder to acknowledge the fact that they are struggling to others. then there is the shame of not being ‘man-enough’ to sort the problem out and handle it themselves. ( I hate that phrase, it is part of the problem, in my view.That is for another blog!) Society expects men to behave in a certain way, many have been brought up believing they have to be strong for everyone else, to open up and discuss their deep emotions and feelings does not necessarily come easily to them.
We all know that not allowing our feelings and emotions out, is really bad for our health. That is the same for men and women, we have to have an outlet.
By encouraging grandads to talk, not only will help them but will also bring us all closer together, with a greater understanding that although we may tend to deal with the loss of our grandchildren differently, doesn’t mean the pain is any less.
You are not alone.
