The nature of unjustified estrangement is of course painful and so difficult to understand. I am not sure that we will ever understand why someone decides to walk away from their family, we rightly focus on the grandchildren as we should,
Grandparents are a connection to the past for grandchildren.
The nature of unjustified estrangement is of course a painful journey that have millions of grandparents across Great Britain frozen emotionally as it can be so difficult to understand and navigate. I am not sure that we as grandparents will ever understand why a parent decides to walk away from their family and the complications that surround that dynamic, however we rightly focus on maintaining the middle ground, the welfare of the grandchildren as i believe we should.
Grandparents are the ‘golden treasure’ the GPS to a connection to the past for grandchildren, an audio picture book that can resurrect memories of their family history and share in the validation of their true ‘belonging’ to their family. That foundation is indeed roots.
All too often we don’t hear the voice of the children, so this blog is special, because it contains the powerful words from grandchildren as the adult grandchildren they are now.
I will never forget the first time I held my first grandchild in my arms, I literally fell in love all over again. The emotion I felt was a shock, I was drenched emotionally, my heart bursting, I really didn’t think I would be so moved…I was wrong, It was quite simply magical.
I was also hit with an overwhelming feeling of responsibility, “Would I be able to be a good enough grandparent? Would i fulfill my duty to this beautiful child” When we became estranged it was the question that I recalled over and over again.
Those first few moments are so powerful it takes your breath away, this tiny human looking up at you with huge blue eyes full of expectation, our families legacy right there in my arms.
Most of us who have had this beautiful experience in life know what a unique relationship it is between grandchild and grandparents and today many people have shared their wonderful memories of their grandparents, and it is quite clear and profound how important these special relationships are and how uniquely grandparents have influenced these adult grandchildren in the most heartfelt ways.
Even as adults, the love comes shining through, as these adult grandchildren put their feelings into words, I make no apology for just posting them as the quotes I have been given,
It is their words, their voice.
My grandmother was the sun around whom all her grandchildren orbited. Her unconditional love, humour and tolerance meant she was a strength and a refuge when we needed her, and in return we supported her when she grew frail. I cannot imagine my childhood without her.
Dame Esther Rantzen DBE.
Patron of Bristol Grandparents Support Group.
My inner child remembers the warm, loving, silly and guiding hand they shared in my upbringing. My adult self realises what an integral part of the family they were. I know I will continue to live and grieve with acceptance the loss of their energy and the relationship I had with each maternal & paternal grandparent for where there is grief there is undoubtedly big love. My rose garden stands in honour of one of those treasured moments and the rest of those memories I have embedded in my heart. I love my grandparents very much and often think of them together drinking tea and having fun. I now am a grandparent myself and hope with the loving relationship i have with Eli, that if I can touch his heart in the way my grandparents did me, he will eventually with age come to realise what a true gift that really is ❤️
As the saying goes ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ and that village is at its best when good grandparents share and care in the raising of their grandchildren. They can help, love, show, teach and be there with support and love. They can share their past to help build a solid future for their grandchildren. When I look back now as an adult I realise they were always there and played a big part in my childhood.
John Darvall BBC Radio Bristol Presenter.
I have very fond memories of my maternal grandmother (I never knew my mother’s father, who was estranged from the family by the time I was born). Grandma was an important part of my childhood. She lived a 15 minute drive from home in Birmingham; we would visit her for tea on Thursdays, we went on holiday with her, she would be at festival meals with us, she was a great cook, and in her later years I would visit her in (what was then called) the Old Age Home. She combined love with toughness and resilience.
I also have very strong and warm memories of my paternal grandfather (his first wife, my grandmother, died in 1930) and his wife who we called Aunty. They lived in our street, and my brother and I visited most days. I became particularly close to Grandpa after he had a leg amputation, when I was about twelve; I would help him put on his prosthetic leg, and learned to navigate his wheelchair. In his later years he moved to a Home in south London, when I was studying at UCL, so I was able to visit him weekly. He radiated kindness and good humour.
I could go on, but of each of them I have a strong olfactory memory – Grandpa was Batgers Extra Strong Mints, and Grandma: Yardley’s Lavender Toilet Water.
I am now at the other end, and it would be fascinating to know in 40 years time what my grandchildren will remember (if anything) about me….
Judge (Retired) Philip Marcus. International Consultant and Lecturer.
Most Saturdays we used to jump in the car for the 20 mile trip to Cardiff. Both sets of grandparents lived in Cardiff, and we spent the day with one, or other – or sometimes both. My mum’s dad died when I was quite young. My memories are faint – of a kindly, quiet man; of visiting him in hospital, of his wheelchair and his nicotine-stained fingers. My memories of my mum’s pain, grief and loss at his passing are so much stronger. My Nanna’s bachelor brother – Uncle Billy – lived with them. I remember Saturday TV, curtains drawn, sitting on his lap watching Lost in Space, Bonanza or Lassie, or Mick McManus and Giant Haystacks in the ring. Then the silence, the baited breath, as we checked off his pools coupon. As I write, I can smell cooked ham and piccalilli; I can taste rabbit stew and my Nanna’s gravy – never beaten to this day. I recall dressing up in her warm, soft, blue dressing gown and the scent of parma violets – the perfume on her dressing table. In the school holidays, my mum put us on the bus to Cardiff and told the bus driver to drop us off at the fish and chip shop in Canton – where my Nanna was waiting for us. She was not an overtly emotional woman, my Nanna. My memories of her are as stoic, assured, capable, not easily phased, dependable and independent. I never doubted that I was loved, valued.
Nanna “poo-poo in the tin” was different in every possible way. Much laughter, giggling, but a cutting, critical voice too – though never directed at us. With us she was indulgent, full of excess. She wrapped gifts with the shiniest paper and the biggest bows. There was cake, and more cake – and even more cake and sweets, and chocolate! We often went home feeling very sick … I remember drinking “snowballs” too on special occasions! My memories of Bampy are of winkle picking (and cooking!) and wading into a field full of cows to harvest a puff ball! Their home was a cluttered riot of orange, yellow & blue.
Reflecting on this, I am struck by how much it is the senses – sights, tastes, smells that are evoked. I struggle with concrete memories, but it is in the memory of these sensations I recall the love, and safety. I am blessed that I had so much time with my grandparents and wider family. I struggled somewhat when my children were born – and we lived 300 miles distant to my mum and dad. No opportunity to pop down every Saturday! But I know that their memories are as rich, and full, and plenty as mine. It isn’t the physical distance that drives a wedge between children and their loved ones – it is the psychological distance. With my own grandchildren, I may only see them every 6 weeks, or sometimes 3 months – but I am showered with photographs daily. I know all of their likes and dislikes. I chat with them, sing with them, play peek-a-boo with them, on video-calls. I know I am valued – and they know they are loved by Granny.
(PS: nanna “poo-poo in the tin” was so named as she had a tin of plasticine, brown and yellow, much played with by my sister and I ….)
Dr Sue Whitcombe CPsychol AFBPsS
HCPC registered counselling psychologist
My grandparents were my safe haven, their love was truly unconditional, and I bathed in their warm love.
H.
I had the most amazing relationship with my paternal grandmother. She lived with us. I still feel the warmth and comfort of crawling into her bed at night when I was scared.
Rosemary.
I remember my grandfather with enormous affection, he was quite ‘naughty’ in the best possible way. He could always become that inner child, when I was with him and could always find great things for us to do. He loved cricket and watched the Test Match avidly whilst I sat on his lap, he would wear his straw hat whether he was inside or outside! I thought for a long time that it was compulsory to watch cricket with a straw hat on. One unfortunate thing was that he taught me the most inappropriate rhymes, that I would repeat to anyone and everyone, always with a twinkle in his eye, and my Mums, look of disapproval. Children also often like the gruesome, and this was certainly that, my grandfather had a glass eye, and he would frequently take it out and leave it on the draining board! Wonder how many grandchildren can recall a gruesome fact?
Jane
I lived next door to my gran, as soon as I was independent enough I would climb over the style between the two houses. My grandad had died just a few years before I was born . Gran was mother to 13 children, you would have thought she would have had enough of kids but she always had time for me? she was loving patient, kind and well respected in our community. Pre NHS days she was looked on as the local nurse. She would be called on all hours to assist. I remember her making medicine for chesty coughs. If I was Ill it would be gran who give me medicine. When the NHS started her front room was used as a consultation room for the doctor who lived about 6 miles away. Sundays I will always remember, they would start by Dad taking me to mass. In the afternoon I would go to Welsh Baptist Sunday school where Gran was a teacher and a deaconess. In the Summer for tea, as we called it then we would go to the garden to collect fresh fruit, strawberries blackberries gooseberries etc . Sandwiches to start then fruit and ideal milk. Afterwards she would play the organ and teach me Welsh hymns. I remember sitting between her knees and her plaiting my long hair she never hurt getting knots out. She had time and patience. I tried to model my grand-parenting on grans way.
A.
My Grandmother was extraordinary woman, she was what I call an ‘old soul’ so funny at times and always cheerful. She worked hard and led a very simple life; she was truly remarkable in spite of the dreadful time she had with my Grandfather who was abusive. When I married my first husband, we moved to the upstairs flat in a house that my parents bought and converted to two flats. My Mum was desperate to get my Nan down South and she her moved into the downstairs flat. It was then that I really got to know my Nan and her life. I can actually say that although I always loved her (even though i didn’t see her regularly when I was growing up ) during the years we lived in the same building I fell in love with her ! I was in an abusive marriage and she was such a stabilising influence in my otherwise frightening and chaotic world. When my son came along and my marriage ended she became my rock, she never said much about what was going on in my life but she understood as she had known that kind of life too. She was just there, steering me gently in the right direction, it wasn’t her words but her gentle loving energy that held me up and got me through , I miss her and think of her often , I will always be grateful for the time I had with her and feel sad sometimes that she didn’t live closer when I was growing up. My other Grandparents lived close to us and I saw them often. I was one of 16 grandchildren, my Dad was one of 10 children so I grew up with a big Family !! I loved it and although I didn’t have ‘Hands on GP’s ‘ they loved us all and we all felt that we ‘belonged’ ..My grandmother was another remarkable woman , a real Eastender who had it hard raising 10 kids but she never complained. Grandad was a school caretaker was a bit of an old moaner, was always baffled how he had so many kids lol ! and loved to grow vegetables. There was a ‘presence’ about both my grandmother and my grandfather that kept us together as a family, that presence lives on in the grandchildren as we all still keep in contact. Looking back I can see how much I learned from my grandparents especially my grandmothers. They were both strong women that faced hardships and difficulties but always retained a dignity and serenity and I always felt their love even though I never did the things that grandchildren do today with their grandparents. The ancestral blood runs deep through our veins and creates an everlasting bond I believe even though we may not have much physical time with them …I have an eternal fondness for them and even though my maternal grandfather was not a nice man in this lifetime I feel the same sense of compassion for him that my grandmother did. She taught me two most precious life lessons one was forgiveness the other was kindness … Thank you to my grandparents for all you gave me.
Linda.
The Grandparents who stay in my thoughts are my mothers parents, they lived with us for many of their later years so played a large part in my early life, Granny could be a little sharp with my Grandfather but always spoiled me, as for Granddad, he would tell me something of his life in simplistic terms, taking a sailing ship round Cape Horn in a storm for example, but as Captain of a Campbells steamer sailing into the teeth of a very different kind of storm to try and collect our troops from Dunkirk’s beaches he kept very quiet about, it was only a lot of investigation unearthed his courage in this part of his life, sadly he left his bombed and shelled ship on the sands along with the memories, I would like to have spent more of my time with them but work took me to London and the opportunity to enjoy their company was lost, had I had the knowledge and experience I have today I would make time for my grandparents.
Marc.
My Nanny, grandmother, would have all her grandchildren to stay for one week in the summer one at a time, so we all had one to one time with her. While staying she always bought me a cup of tea in bed a with a biscuit, I felt very spoilt, and her kindness and caring has been a huge influence on my life.
Kate.
I lived with my nan off and on as an older child and early teenager. I remember one time she woke me early and said “we’re going abroad on holiday” I will never forget that day crammed with excitement from the minute I woke, till I got to bed early hours of the following morning. Our day, was a day trip to the Isle Of Man, 4 hour ferry trip, then a horse drawn tram, plus a coach trip round the island…back to Douglas for a theatre show….then the midnight ferry back home. I must admit to reliving this journey many times with my 2 youngest…Wonderful memories.
Anna.
Some of my happiest childhood memories include my grandparents – playing endless rounds of rummy with my grandma in the Lake District, eating my grandpa’s homemade eccles cakes and holidays by the sea in Cornwall. As I got older I realised both the link to the past and the moral guidance that my grandparents provided me, and as I become a parent the help and support that they must have provided my own parents when I was born. I’m lucky enough to have a grandma still alive and as a great grandma she has provided memories and precious experiences to my own daughter including first hand testimony to a WW2 project that she was doing at school.
James Hayhurst
Founder of Positive Parenting Alliance and creator of Parents Promise
My gran was ‘Mum’ to the whole family, she lived with us for my childhood and early teenage years, and she was a second Mum to me. I remember the hugs, the stories and the silliness. I remember sneaking her fags while she was sneaking me chocolate (totally not appropriate today, but Granny wasn’t appropriate, she was awesome).
As a child, your grandparents are a special part of your family. You don’t see the how and why until you have children of your own, I think. My gran was my warmth, my friend and my confessor. She was the bolthole I could run to when I’d got myself in trouble. Grandparents can be there when your parents can’t because you’ve done something really stupid and are in the doghouse. My gran was all of these things and more.
She’s still with me every day. She sits beside my bed, she fills me heart and she looks at me with love every day through my little girl’s eyes.
K.J.
Wow, well when I asked for peoples memories I didn’t expect to see such wonderful words from everyone.
It is clear the influence that grandparents have had is truly remarkable, I can’t thank those who have contributed enough.
I have to admit that a tear or two did fall.
