We all know how it feels to be unjustifiably estranged from our adult children/grandchildren, and how at first we think we will be able to make things right, but, what do we do when in time the realisation is somewhat different?
I think most of us reach for ‘Google’ or other search engines, we are desperate to find out more about this thing called a ‘living bereavement.’ In my experience a great deal of the items on the internet, can cause more harm than good, there are far too many ‘experts’ out there telling you what you should or should not do, some even exploit the issue, they promise all the answers to people who are very vulnerable.
I did all the same things as everyone else, but soon realised that I needed to talk to others who were going through the same experience, I needed to hear those voices and I needed someone to listen.
There comes a time when family and friends run out of what to say to you.
It is no ones fault, it is just that they just don’t ‘get it.’
You will know because of all of the things I have just written I set up BGSG, and in truth it became my own therapy.
Joining a support group takes enormous courage, those first grandparents who arrived at my door, had never met me, had no idea what I was like or what to expect, neither did I for that matter!
I am mindful at every single meeting, be that online or in person that those who take that giant leap of faith have to be treated with the utmost respect for just turning up.
So what is a support group?
In my view they are a coming together of people who are facing a similar traumatic occurence in their lives, and they need to share with those who understand, who will be empathetic, non judgemental and caring.
By being able to share our experiences we can offer support, comfort and kindness.
- It must be a safe place that can pass on information, ideas, and constructive help.
- It is very helpful to listen to others of how they cope and by listening to others you are no longer isolated and alone.
- It is absolutely understandable that you will feel nervous and a bit anxious.
Some people will think it is somehow a sign of weakness to seek help from a support group, others will say that tea and sympathy are pointless and a complete waste of time.
You would expect me to disagree, which I do.
It may be you think that there is not a group near you, but actually with the internet and online meetings there is access to everyone, wherever you may be.
If you attend a group meeting looking for answers then you might be disappointed, we don’t have the magic answer, but we will enable you to get through these difficult days.
You may feel that you can’t attend a meeting because you will be asked to share your story, certainly at my meetings you don’t have to share anything if you don’t want to, you also don’t have to contribute to the conversation if you don’t want to.
No one will judge or criticize you, that is not what a good support group will do.
I never want a grandparent to leave a support group meeting feeling worse than they did before they arrived, I hope we will be able to encourage and to lighten your load, so that you are allowed to smile and have a laugh.
BGSG hopes to give you better coping strategies, to give you an opportunity to speak freely about how you are feeling, and to help you look after yourself, self care is vital. hopefully we will give you some sense of optimism and hope.
We take confidentiality very seriously and you need to know that anything you share at a meeting stays within that meeting.
As I have said, it is absolutely understandable to feel nervous, but what do you have to lose by attending a meeting?
I suspect there is far more to gain.
- The people in that room, felt exactly the same as you are feeling the first time they attended.
- I have no doubt you will make new friends.
- Everyone in that room understands, you don’t have to explain yourself.
- Oh, and there is always cake!
Always ask if you can bring someone along with you if that is helpful.
How to get the most out of a support group.
I would suggest that you attend regularly, when you feel comfortable participate, your words will help someone else. Always be sensitive and respectful to others.
Always remember why you joined in the first place.
When things can’t get any worse, a support group can help you look at life in a more positive way, you will have decided to swim not sink, you will know that you made the right decision to attend when you say something to someone else that really makes a difference to that person, most importantly, if you leave a support group meeting feeling a bit better than you did when you arrived, then I would say, that’s a success.
