We have all heard the labels of Narcissistic, toxic, gaslighting, poison and there are many more, but does it help?
When we first become unjustifiably estranged from a family member, we naturally seek answers as to why someone should behave like this, there has to be a reason.
The internet is full of ‘reasons,’ but the truth is we are all unique, therefore our own situation is unique to us, yes there may be patterns that we can see but it is still something that is happening to us.
It is why we all react to it differently, there are those who become totally enveloped with their estrangement, those who trawl the internet looking for answers, those who resign themselves to the situation and those who say that they don’t care about their relationship with their daughter/son all they want is a relationship with their grandchildren.
There is no right or wrong, just different.
Each and everyone of us has to find a way to survive the trauma, and it is a trauma.
As you know I was estranged from my father for many years, as he led a double life, and didn’t want me or my brother in his ‘new’ life. So I know myself how it feels to be told I wasn’t wanted, and actually not loved by the very person who should have always been there for me, but he chose not to be.
To be honest it is a part of my life that I don’t visit often.
As a 15 year old, I had no voice, even if I had, he wouldn’t have listened.
Do I have a label for my father? Mmm, not one I can publish!
It would have made no difference to what happened if I had been able to put him into some sort of category, he was just someone who put himself first, always.
When you are denied contact with a family member, you suffer a loss, and you grieve, and as a consequence part of that grieving process is anger.
I hear and read the anger daily from grandparents, and I fully understand, but what does the anger do to us?
Of course anger can sometimes be a good thing, a way of releasing all those mixed emotions, a bit like a shaken bottle of fizzy drink, the top explodes.
You will also know that I go on relentlessly, about self protection, it is vital that we all learn to look after ourselves.
If we constantly go over and over all that has happened there is only one person who is being affected, us.
Those who have chosen to deny us contact, are not affected.
It is us who tear ourselves apart, who can forget other family and friends who need us, who forget we do have amazing things in our lives, and those who stop ‘living.’
Self protection is about thinking about what is good for us, what makes us feel better, what makes us happy, we need to keep ourselves mentally and physically healthy for the day our grandchildren are back in our lives, it is what they would want us to do.
As an estranged adult child, I lived my life to the full, despite how my father behaved, I would never have given him the satisfaction to have done otherwise.
Am I still angry?
No, what would it achieve, absolutely nothing.
