I know there will be many people reading this who will say they will never forgive those who have caused them so much distress by denying contact with their grandchildren.
It is totally understandable that we feel that way.
Why on earth should or would we forgive them?
These family members have destroyed us, have taken away the most precious little people from us.
But what do the emotions we feel do to us?
Saying sorry can be very hard but forgiving is even harder.
Actually when we forgive someone for their actions, it is more about releasing ourselves from the anger and hurt, so it is for our benefit not theirs.
We become imprisoned with these destructive thoughts on a daily basis, we go to sleep thinking about the injustice of it all and if we manage to sleep we wake thinking those same thoughts, and of course we aren’t affecting the people causing this hurt, we are in fact hurting ourselves.
All of us need to be at peace and we can’t find that peace if we are harbouring this anger and pain.
To forgive someone doesn’t mean that we forget their actions, but holding on to those feelings damages us.
If we think about what the opposite to forgiveness is, it is punishment and the only person we are punishing is ourselves.
Forgiving someone can put you back in control of the situation.
For our own mental health we need to have peace in our lives, there is that word again, to be at peace we have to be able to focus on the present, not the past or the future but the here and now.
Changing our mindset takes time and practice.
To reiterate, forgiveness is not about forgetting, or excusing someone for their actions, it is about making peace with what has occured because as it is something that has happened in the past, and we can never change the past.
It is also not about ‘moving on’, I guarantee that is a comment that many of us will have heard, it is like a red rag to a bull! No one ever just gets ‘over it’ just because someone tells you to.
You can’t just forgive and it all goes away, often you will get days when the anger, hurt and pain returns, so we have to re-focus.
It may be that you want revenge, there is an old saying“before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” which could be interpreted that although it seems fair to seek revenge, in fact holding onto those negative thoughts makes finding positivity more difficult,forgiveness is a positive, by releasing you. Looking for revenge holds you back, you hold on to the hurt and pain, that eats away at you, holding on to bitterness can in time make ourselves bitter.
As I have already said forgiveness is not about the other person, it is about you. The other person won’t even know you forgive them, because this is all about your peace of mind.
Hanging on to the negative feelings impact on our health physically and mentally, anxiety, depression,low self esteem, can be just some of the affects.
There are some questions to ask yourself.
Do you believe in forgiveness?
Do you see it as a strength or a weakness?
Of course to forgive someone is your choice. Think about why you might want to forgive?
If we cling onto the injustice of what has happened to us, we are prolonging the agony of it all, and it will prevent us from living our lives to the full, forgiveness gives us the opportunity of taking back the power, it takes a great deal of hard work, a constant refocusing on how we stay in the present, to enable us towards a better way of living.
I know none of this is the easy option, I also understand that many of you will still not be able to forgive, but I would just like to share this true story with you.
One of my neighbours and dear friends, lost one of their children a few years ago as a result of a drunk driver. It was a hit and run and it received a great deal of media coverage nationally. It was the most tragic time for their family and friends, but they made the decision very early on to go public and forgive the driver,when she was found and arrested.
The ultimate act of forgiveness.
