Before a grandparent goes to court they are required to try mediation, I asked grandparents/parents to share their experiences of mediation and they have given me permission to share with you.
I have been to mediation twice.
The first time was about 17 years ago when my daughter had a bad fall out with my other daughter and she didn’t speak to her for about 6 months. I suggested family mediation with all 3 of us. As we lived some miles apart we decided to find a mediator half way.
The mediator seemed very inexperienced and at the last session allowed workmen to come into the room to measure up for something. We were horrified as we sat there very emotional and with tears streaming down our faces. The mediator also allowed my daughter to ramble on making accusations mainly against her sister for about 15 minutes and then asked for a response.
We only had 2 weekly sessions when the mediator announced that there would be no further sessions for 8 weeks as she was going on holiday. Had we known that there would be such a long interruption we would not have started with her in the first place.
So that was the end of that mediation.
I did complain to Relate and they were horrified and refused the fees I had paid. Despite that very negative experience, we did make some progress in that we were able to go to lunch after the sessions and both girls were able to communicate then and carried on afterwards.
The second mediation was with my eldest daughter and her husband, in 2011.
She married in 2006 and I was invited to help plan the wedding, and had thrown an engagement party for them in my garden (to which, incidentally son-in-law did not invite his parents as they were then not on speaking terms). In the year before her wedding my daughter, with whom I had always been very close, changed towards me and stopped speaking to me 6 months before the wedding. I had no idea why this was happening but found out many years later that she had been in counselling for at least 10 years after she met her husband and that the counsellor instilled false memories as to my parenting.
In 2010 my daughters first son was born and I pleaded with her to let me have a relationship with him but to no avail. I did suggest mediation but that was rejected at first. After some time she and her husband suggested mediation with a private mediator chosen by them. I travelled a long distance for a 9 am appointment for over a period of 6 months. I have to say the setting was not ideal as it was a room in an office block with a public waiting area and some seats outside that room where one or the other had to sit occasionally.
Considering what an emotional experience mediation is, it was uncomfortable for other people to walk past me. I am not sure whether the mediator had any experience of mediation in our situation.
He used a whiteboard with diagrams more suited to pre-divorce mediation. My daughter and her husband were extremely hostile to me but never ever explained the reason for the estrangement or their hostility. At one point the mediator asked my daughter something and, after she had answered, Her husband said: what my wife actually meant was ….. My mouth must have dropped open as my daughter did not say anything.
This was my strong daughter who wore the trousers, so to speak, with her previous long term partner. What amazed me even more was that the mediator just ignored it.
The mediation sessions dragged on and without any progress being made. We just seemed to go round and round in circles. When I asked that we actually get to discuss whether I could see my grandson I was accused by the mediator of being impatient.
Finally at the last session the mediator agreed that we could discuss the issue of contact and asked my daughter and her husband what they had in mind. My son-in-law suggested 3 x per year for 3 hours. I said I had hoped for a little more so that I could build a relationship, maybe every 2 months with a view to increasing this to monthly visits if all went well.
The mediator accused me of being ungrateful. I had no choice to agree but asked for a review after a year or so to which the mediator agreed without asking my daughter or son-in-law. It seemed to me that the mediator just wanted to get us out of the door at that stage.
So I saw my grandson for the first time when he was 4 years old in January 2012, together with his baby brother. The visit and subsequent visits went extremely well with my grandson holding my hand and being quite happy to go off with me to play hide and seek. Subsequent visits went well but it all broke down after 2 years as the parents became more and more argumentative during and after the visits in front of the children but would not let me have contact on my own.
My experience with mediation was that it only lasted for ten minutes and one session, totally useless.
It very much depends on the mediator. Seen 3. One was very good. But it also depends on whether taking the horse to water can make it drink. The issue? It costs money. Why would a Mother withholding a child pay money to go to mediation?
One was absolutely awful. One basically just said – not much point – never going to get agreement – she is entrenched. The good one actually said – it’s hate – just go to court.
If you have two opposing people who are genuine in being prepared to go through the process of mediation, I very much doubt they would ever need to go through mediation. For most it’s just another opportunity to voice irreconcilable differences
I tried but ex refused. For mediation to work you need both parties to agree for it to work.
We tried mediation some time ago and our daughter refused, we had made the very difficult decision to go to court and were told that we needed to go for mediation again before applying to the court. To our astonishment this time our daughter agreed, we had several sessions and it was agreed that we could start having meet ups with our grandson via the internet, to date these have been very successful, and being able to see and talk to our grandson has been wonderful and very emotional. We are taking it step by step and hopeful that we will be able to have proper meetings in the not too distant future. We do have to abide by our daughters rules and there are certain things we are not permitted to talk about with him.
Short story is that I left because my wife was violent and financially abuse. She then started blocking me from seeing my son (despite CAFCASS that there is no safeguarding risk). She got almost all of our assets, kept our marital home and received all our rental income. I tried to setup a therapeutic mediator with 30 years experience. Wife refused to go to her, said she’d only go to her choice of mediatior, who was twice as expensive. The solicitor mediator said we should do shuttle mediation, so we’d be in a zoom room, with mediator moving between us. I spent very little time talking to the mediator, because she stayed with wife most the time. We had four sessions in the end. Wife refused progress on all fronts. I kept pushing that we should only discuss child arrangements though, and wife refused to concede anything at all and kept returning to financial matters. Eventually I said we should discuss financial disclosure to get it out the way. She attended one session on that, refused to disclose anything sensitive (she’s dissipated funds left, right and centre), then said she wouldn’t attend any further mediation sessions.
As with all these things it works for some but not everyone.
The truth is I suppose that if we were able to communicate in the first place there would be no need for mediation.
Always do your homework, make sure you get costs up front, as some mediators are very expensive. If possible find a mediator who has experience in unjustified estrangement.
