After 17 years of running BGSG I am all to aware of how estrangement can play havoc on our mental health.
In recent years we have become much better at discussing our mental health and hopefully our understanding is improving as well.
All of us who have experienced estrangement know how profound those emotions you feel are, loneliness, confusion, sadness and a huge sense of loss are just some of the feelings we have.
Just being apart from someone who is very dear to you is heart wrenching and we ignore the effect on our mental health at our peril.
For most of us family is at the very core of our being, so when that is lost, we question ourselves constantly, it impacts our self esteem. The “It’s my fault,” “What did I do to cause this?” are questions that go around our heads day after day.
Self doubt over everything we have done wears us down, a deep feeling of rejection starts to worm itself in to our very soul.
Our family, our very origins are one of belonging, if we feel we no longer belong it can make us question our own identity and make us question who we actually are.
We can feel guilt and shame, that we didn’t do everything we possibly could to prevent the estrangement happening. Others will often assume that we must have done something really terrible for it to have occured, we must be bad people.
I know that many of you will recognise all of this, so we have to think of ways to self-protect, we have to care for ourselves, look after our physical and mental well being, to do that we have to recognise that our mental health is suffering so that we can start to repair.
When we are estranged we lose trust in people, but we have to realise that not everyone is untrustworthy, we just need to allow ourselves to begin to trust people.
Allow yourself to grieve your loss, but don’t let it define you. Forgive yourself, for anything you may have done, and the hard one forgive those who are causing the estrangement, it allows you to be the bigger person.
Although we have to accept our situation, that doesn’t mean that we can’t have hope for the future.
We have to start rebuilding a life, at present without that special person, we owe ourselves to live our lives to find joy in any way we can.
That doesn’t mean shutting the door, quite the opposite we leave the door open, whilst we start to put ourselves first just for the time being focussing on living our life.
Don’t ever become a victim.
We have to search for those new possibilities, not to get stuck in the never ending circle of sadness and depression.
Seek out other family members, who do love and care about you, be grateful for their love, friends can play an important role, being there when you need them, your community can often be a place of stability as well.
Be gentle with yourself.
We are in the place we are, so maybe it’s time to just let it be, for now.
There is a freedom of just letting go.
