How often do we read headlines about “Mother-in-law from hell” ect.
The media would have us to believe that estrangement only happens due to separation and divorce, and the in-laws causing the problem, of course that does happen but I learnt very early on in setting up BGSG that there are many different reasons why estrangement happens, which I have written about in the past, but it is worth a revisit.
The majority of grandparents who contact BGSG are those whose own adult children, son/daughter, have made the decision to break all ties with their family, and it can be the entire family members.
Grandparents who find themselves adrift from their adult children are grieving the loss of that relationship, after bringing the children up to the best of their abilities, but as a result also losing contact with their child’s children. Many have helped the adult children financially and often with early child care.
I can remember so clearly how it felt to hold my sons daughter in my arms for the first time, that overwhelming feeling of love was magical, I shall never forget it.
A common thread seems to be when the adult child has had some form of therapy, parents are blamed for everything that may be going wrong in their lives, and so they are advised to cut those family members out of their lives.
I think that the blame culture we have in this country, makes it easy to blame parents for everything.
This generation has grown up in a world of entitlement, they expect and if they don’t get quite what they wanted they walk away.
Family has become part of the throw away society.
Many grandparents are in their 60/70’s and find themselves totally bewildered by the break down in their family, the children they raised,loved and cared for no longer want them in their lives.
If they ask their children what the problem is, often the response is, if you don’t know what you have done, then I am not going to tell you.
Sometimes it will be the partner who is having a problem with the in-laws, boundaries are put in place until the boundaries become totally unworkable resulting in complete cut off. The son/daughter will remain loyal to their partner, some may even fear if they don’t go along with the estrangement they may lose contact with their children themselves, so it is easier to just agree with the situation.
We all make mistakes, but it seems as parents we aren’t allowed to falter, or to have imperfections.
Show those imperfections and you are erased.
The hurt this causes is insurmountable, parents grieve the loss of their precious children.
Although this may feel hopeless, always keep that door ajar.
