It is often said that being estranged from your adult child is like a living bereavement.
They’re still here in the world, but the relationship you long for feels broken or just out of reach. It’s a pain that’s hard to put into words, and many parents carry it quietly because of shame, guilt, or fear of being judged.
What helps most isn’t clever answers or quick fixes.
It’s kindness.
When someone says, “I’m so sorry, this must be so painful for you,” it makes a world of difference.
It helps to be reminded that you are not alone, even though it sometimes feels that way.
I’ve learned that estrangement needs to be treated like grief. There are the same waves of sadness, anger, and longing, and the same need for tenderness.
A kind word, someone remembering a difficult date, or even just sharing a quiet cup of tea can mean more than anyone realises.
What doesn’t help is judgement.
Being told, “They’ll come round,” or, “Maybe if you just tried harder,” cuts deeply. Most of us have asked ourselves those questions a thousand times already.
What we really need is someone to sit alongside us without conditions, without blame.
Finding others who understood can be a turning point. The Parents of Estranged Adult Children (PEAC) group give a safe place to share openly, without fear of being judged.
Just knowing there are others who “get it” lifts some of the loneliness.
We have to remind ourselves, and others walking this path, to look after ourselves too.
A walk, a hobby, a moment of rest… they don’t fix the heartbreak, but they do help us keep going.
And perhaps most importantly, we try to hold onto a little hope.
Not the kind that promises everything will magically be put right, but the gentler kind that says: whatever happens, you are still loved, still valued, and you don’t have to face this alone.
