When someone has dementia, difficult truths such as family estrangement can cause confusion and distress. The aim is not to explain everything in detail, but to reassure,comfort and protect.
It is one of the hardest conversations you might have had to have.
Dementia changes the way people understand and remember,so what might feel like a straightforward explanation can be anything but straightforward. As estranged grandparents, we suffer enough heartache already,and trying to make sense of it for someone who is forgetful and vulnerable can feel a step too far, and it can be very triggering for us.
I think that honesty needs to be balanced with kindness.
When your family member, with dementia, asks why they don’t see their grandchild, it can feel so cruel to go into details. It could be that the simplest and most reassuring response is the best way to answer questions.
You could respond by saying,
The grandchildren aren’t able to visit right now, but they are safe.
Or even change the subject, to a happy memory.perhaps showing a photo
Do you remember when you used to do baking with ………?
You are not hiding the truth but, trying to avoid distress that they might not be able to process or remember.
As with dementia it is more that possible that the question will keep being asked, over and over again. Triggering your own feelings of loss every time. It is important to remember that repetition is all part of dementia.
Protecting both their well-being as well as your own it vital.
You don’t have to explain every time, sometimes reassurance,warmth and love are more valuable than words.
As estranged grandparents we know that this is a grief without goodbye, and dementia can make that grief even sharper.We can choose to focus on what we can give, moments of comfort, a smile, the gentle touch of holding their hands or sharing stories of times gone by,
These acts of kindness matter more than explanations.
We have to remind ourselves, that although estrangement takes away so much, it doesn’t take away our capacity to be kind.
In those tender conversations with someone living with dementia, it’s not the explanation that lasts, it’s the feeling of being cared for and loved that lasts.
Even in the midst of unparalleled sadness, we can still hold on to the small moments of love and comfort that remind us hope is never truly lost.
