I am sure you all know now that very sadly,one of our patrons, Dame Esther Rantzen has announced that she has been diagnosed with lung cancer. I know you will all want to send your thoughts and love to her and her family at this difficult time.
I have been reflecting on the past years that we have worked with Esther.
By coincidence on our social media page it highlighted that it is exactly nine years ago that we did the first feature on BBC The One Show with her,which led on to a second feature.
To rewind as to how that happened.
I wrote to Esther and told her about Bristol Grandparents Support Group and mentioned our ‘Tree of Hope,” I asked her if she might like to send a message for the tree, to my astonishment she did, and she asked if Marc and I would like to go to London to meet her for a chat.
A day before we were due to go, I had a call from her to say that later in our meeting we would be joined by the producer of The One Show, and were we ok with that?
The meeting went very well, and Esther made us both feel very welcome and we talked about a variety of things, she had recently become a grandparent herself and having set up The Silver Line, a helpline for older people, she had become aware of the issue of denied contact.
The producer was keen to do a feature on the subject, and so that’s how we became involved with Esther.
After the first episode was aired, Esther and I were inundated with emails and our Helpline was very busy, between us we received well over 250 emails alone.
It was decided that we needed to do a follow up to the programme.
I remember so clearly Esther arriving at our house with box files full of emails, and we sat in our garden going through them, and emails on my laptop.
To say they were moving would be an utter understatement, the hurt and pain jumping of the paper and our screens, was palpable. Yes, tears were shed by both of us, every single one was read.
The majority were from grandparents but some were from grandchildren, grandchildren who had obviously seen the programme and then gone and emailed us.
Truly heartbreaking.
Although every one of those emails were from individuals the same emotions were in every one. Feelings of enormous sadness, people totally bereft.
Here are just few of the emails I received:
I am a married man with two children, but the feelings I have as a result of my parents not letting me see my grandparents, lives with me everyday. I never knew the reasons why, I just knew that two people I loved were suddenly no longer allowed in my life. My overwhelming feelings are of regret.
I am not allowed to see my Granny, I had lots of fun with her when she used to look after me, but now Mummy says I can’t see her anymore, I am so sad, I am 10.
As an adult I now live with guilt on a daily basis. The guilt of not being able to visit my Grandfather when he was ill, and not allowed to attend his funeral, I was only a child and I loved him so much, but my parents cut off all contact,and overnight that wonderful relationship was broken. He died without me by his side.
When we did the follow up we received even more emails and calls, many grandparents saying that they thought they were alone in their grief.
We then went to Westminster and met the then Justice Secretary with Nigel Huddleston MP and Esther, and in May 2018 Nigel held a debate in Westminster Hall, there was cross party agreement that there needed to be a change.
Nigel said:
“The estrangement of grandchildren from grandparents happens for a wide variety of reasons: divorce, bereavement, marital breakdown or just a falling out between family members. However the estrangement has come about, rarely is it anything to do with the grandchildren. That is why I have deliberately worded the motion for the debate today so that the emphasis is on children’s rights as well as those of their grandparents. They are the innocent victims in family breakdown. The loss of the relationship with their grandparents is usually the result of a disagreement among the adults, and the children have had no say and no control over the matter.
One grandson who was denied contact with his grandparents from the age of 10 said to me,
“As a child, you are powerless to insist that you see your grandparents, however much you may want to. I feel a sense of deep loss, guilt and regret. I truly hope that my grandparents still knew of our love for them, and that we were powerless to do anything.”
I hope that this debate will raise awareness of the anguish that grandparents and grandchildren across the country feel, and that my brief summary of just a fraction of the cases I have come across demonstrates to the Minister that the status quo is simply not acceptable. I wish to conclude with the words of a grandparent who sent me an email just last night. She very eloquently said:
“My story has been going on for 15 years…The pain I have and still feel is indescribable and affects every aspect of my life…dreading Christmas, Easter, birthdays, mother’s day, summer breaks…all the times when you would hope to see the grandkids. Instead, just pain and heartache—a life sentence. So although at 70 years of age I will probably die before I’m forgiven whatever it is I’ve done, you may be able to help the hundreds of poor souls suffering the same torment.”
BGSG is extremely grateful to all of the MP’s who spoke on that day,
I shall never forget the words written and conveyed to me over those times, and sadly those that continue to this day.
Going through these difficult times in our lives, can often break us but sometimes they also make us stronger, stronger to work towards the common good, in our own individual ways.
Bristol Grandparents Support Group will be eternally thankful to Esther for her amazing support over the years, and for her friendship.
