Upstream

Going to court has to be the last resort for family breakdown issues .

I am accused of being anti the legal route, the reason being that I see the fallout when it goes wrong, of course some people do have a successful outcome, and I will always support those who decide it is for them.

It isn’t just me who believes the system is not fit for purpose and needs a complete rethink.

The UK’s top Judge thinks so too,  https://www.twowishes.org/top-uk-judge-a-better-way-than-family-courts/?fbclid=IwAR1UiQyZ6eQBlk0io1Ui8UMMR-H8dsZulyQ7997AIawsitl-gbCTkdKYvBc 

I have written many times before that we have to be looking at a new way to help and support families who face separation, it is such an enormous issue now globally, effecting millions of children that it has become a public health issue.

For decades we have had a failing system, and the biggest casualty always is the children.

If we listen just to the language that is used by those using the legal route it is immediately confrontational. Words used can be, high conflict, warring families, fight, adversarial, battle , all of this terminology is combative.

The language we use is vital.

Are any of those words in the child’s best interest?

Let’s look at any change in the law.

At present we already have within in the law a presumption that both parents should be part of their children’s life, the reality for millions of non resident parents,  is  that those orders are not worth the paper they are written on. Millions of children today, are not part of both their parents life because CAO are breached constantly and rarely enforced.

If there was a similar presumption for grandparents, would not the same thing happen?

I have given this example so many times before but I will repeat it.

Let’s suppose there was a change in the law, would that have meant that I could have contacted my granddaughter’s mum and said that, now that the law has changed I have the right to see her, after 11 years?

No of course not.

The law is not the answer.

As I have said at the beginning of this blog, families who are going through separation need help and support, agencies, groups, organisations must come together and be standing at the top of the waterfall ready to provide that help and support, to prevent having to pull the casualties out downstream.

This is in the child’s best interest.

We have to work towards a culture and society shift, to educate everyone, not about their rights but about their responsibilities.

I have had the privilege to have been a listening ear to over 8,000 grandparents over 15 years, often support groups are dismissed as just dishing out tea and sympathy, and maybe that’s true but here are some thoughts from grandparents.

•  My Dr wants me to go to counselling,I told her about this lovely site, and how it’s helped me more than counselling.

• I love to read your blog, it is as though it is meant just for me.

• My family are amazed at how far I have come since joining this support group. It’s lovely to share, and maybe help someone feel a little better, during our sad times, and maybe we could have the biggest Street Party when we all get back what we want but for now I thank each and every one in the group , especially you Jane.

• When I found this group – I was borderline on going under  – hadn’t seen the grandkids for two years and it was now beginning to take it’s toll beyond anything before.  I was considering therapy. Then as if by magic – I saw Jane’s group. I emailed – then I rang – and I had renewed hope – it was Jane’s words “They won’t forget you – kids remember everything, that’s what got me through. The next day I woke up more positive than I had done in a very, very long time. That first step put me on the right road and I haven’t looked back. A huge heartfelt thank you Jane and Marc.

• The friends I have met in the group will be life long friends and their support is immeasurable.

• Bristol Grandparents Support Group has become so vital. The grief you feel when you are shut out of your grandchildren lives is unbearable. When there are no more visits, no more telephone calls, no laughter, all you have are photos and memories, you have to find support. Some where to go and grieve, to plan, to hear stories and share, to find hope. This sort of support can not be found in family or friends, it needs to be people who know completely. BGSG allows a flame of hope to quietly burn for all our lost grandchildren, in the messages we put on the Christmas Tree, or in the blogs we write, in simply sitting together. Just knowing you are not alone.

• Coming to your group is my life-line.

• I am just writing to say thank you for all your support over recent months, I am pleased to tell you that yesterday, for the first time in many years I was reunited with my grandson. I can not express how I feel, I am just busting with happiness. If it hadn’t been for you and your group I don’t think I would be here today. Thank you so very much.

• I have not been able to see my grandchildren for several years and at the age of 70, I feel that time is running out for me. To be able to share my most innermost thoughts with others who feel the same helps me get through the day. If I am need of encouragement I will ring Jane, I usually put the phone down with a smile on my face.

• I had been left with a huge hole in my heart not being able to see my grandchildren, as I love them so much. Before I met Bristol Grandparents Support Group , on the surface I was functioning but inside, my emotions were raw. I felt ripped apart it didn’t leave me, I woke weeping everyday. Meeting Jane, prevented my feelings getting any darker, listening to others in the same  situation. What was important was that the environment created by Jane as Marc, felt safe as the womb. Warm, friendly, knowing exactly what it feels like at every stage, caring, sensitive and managed in a professional way without formality. The group gives me a feeling of acceptance, because all the grandparents in this situation suffer the feeling of shame and failure as well as the pain, longing and regret. Everyone there knows all these feelings. Listening to others stories in a completely open, safe environment means that you learn to cope. I have heard some situations that are worse than mine which gives a sense of balance and hearing positive news when some grandparents are reunited gives me real hope, which in itself is healing. After a meeting, I feel I can cope a bit better until the next meeting. When the next meeting is due, I really feel I am beginning to wear thin and feel more desperation and hopelessness and am screaming inside for help. I can’t see any service in the NHS that can compare with the well-being that is created by the group. Jane and Marc offer their own home, to anyone, and it costs nothing. Although the group consists of people from all walks of life, the atmosphere is always the same all through the seasons. Relaxed, calm, warm, healing, uplifting, it’s like coming home really. The feeling of support is really strong and powerful. It is empowering. Thank you.

• Until yesterday I had never spoken to anyone who had suffered similar agonising grief. Friends can be very kind but there is a limit to how much they can take of your grief before their eyes glaze over and the jolly invites begin to dwindle. Yesterday I met and heard people talk about their experiences and I was stunned by the fact that we all have the same feelings and the same grief no matter what event actually triggered off the alienation. I am not the only person who lives in a state of total bafflement, grief and feeling of helplessness. I am so glad that I was able to make contact with you after your appearance on ‘Inside Out West’ and that I came to the meeting yesterday. The support group allowed me to feel that I am not alone and that there are people who are working hard to increase public awareness of the damage such emotional cruelty does to so many people, not least the very grandchildren for whom we all grieve. Thank you for your devotion to this group. I will see you at the next meeting.

• Thank you so much for the support you give. Without your group, I think that many grandparents would go under.

• A very big “Thank you” to Jane Jackson and her husband for all that they do for Bristol Grandparents Support Group, not only for their kindness and hospitality but also for the part they are playing in changing attitudes to parenting and grand parenting – remarkable progress during last five years, thanks a million!

  Thank you

  When I hear people dismiss our wonderful support groups it makes me so cross. Each group is run by a volunteer, each group leader has at some point lost contact with a grandchild, some may be reunited but they still carry on giving priceless support and saving lives.

  Just in BGSG we have had five grandparents reunited, since the beginning of the year.

  I am eternally grateful to all group leaders, you are awesome.

  Grandparents who put heir head above the parapet also need a thank you. Media will always want real life stories and over the last 15 years many of you have been brave enough, when I have asked, to speak up on radio, tv and in articles, many have had to deal with horrible abuse via social media as a result. I am used to that, but many are not and it is very distressing.

  Comments made to grandparents such as ,’If you don’t like the heat get out of the kitchen,’ is absolutely unacceptable. Most comments are too abusive for me to repeat, the worse thing is that some of these comments are made by estranged grandparents themselves.

  As with all abuse such as these, it says more about the person who makes them than anything else.

  I for one will keep working with those who are making changes and have a true vision for the future where the needs and well-being of children comes before anything else.